Friday, August 13, 2010

Az8 - An Interesting Emotion

Last night, I started writing a post about Az8 and any questions they may have. I mean, when I was preparing for Peace Corps, I researched the heck out of what to expect. Of course, I kind of expect a few Az8s (the next group of PCVs) to do the same, so, what better way than to ask an extending Az6.Then I realized that by now they should have found my blog and if they had any questions, they probably would have already asked me.

So, instead, I wrote this:

I am scared of the Az8 group.

Well, that’s not true. I am more scared of what Az8 represents. As they prepare to begin their service, my group will be leaving. I am scared of losing friends - I mean, I am not supposed to say that right? Az6 will be my besties forever and yada, yada, yada. We all know how this is going to work. From the get-go, I will lose contact with at least half the group and after awhile, I will lose contact with even more. It is inevitable. Life happens.

I do not like change. Everyone I know can attest to this. I remember when a university volunteer group I was deeply invested in hired a new program manager. I was so scared he was going to change everything up. As much as I wanted things to stay the same, they changed. Everything changes.

So, why am I so scared of this change? Because I feel like I am not [changing]. I feel like I am standing still while everyone goes off to become famous actresses or pursue awesome graduate degrees. Instead, I am still here in the ‘Baijan, doing what I’ve been doing.

And even more, I am supposed to make new besties. [New besties? Is that even possible?] I am scared I can’t do that. I am scared that people already think they know me and I will be left all alone in the wilds of the north.

I wish I could say I have some sort of epiphany right now, but I don’t got one. I just know that I am scared.